Bamboo Newsletter #39
The Secret to Crossing the Biggest Chasm in Your Personal Life Journey: Changing Your Life Story
The Secret to Crossing the Biggest Chasm in Your Personal Life Journey: Changing Your Life Story
How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life, a Ted Talk by Lori Gottlieb speaks about why you want to change your life story. She notes that the way we narrate the story of our lives shapes what our lives become. This is the danger of the stories we tell ourselves. We create our lives from stories we say to ourselves. She provides many illustrations such as the imposter stories, the “nothing works out for me” stories, etc. However, the Chinese symbol for danger is also opportunity. And the opportunity is that if we can change our stories, then we can change our lives.
She notes that there are two main variables to changing our stories: 1) freedom and 2) change. Normally, we believe we are free, however, in telling our stories we often feel trapped as if there is no escape. The mother who is in a loveless marriage but needs to stay for the kids or the father who needs to stay in his job because he needs to provide for the family. We feel trapped by our emotional jail cells (i.e. stories). This is almost the same as a prisoner who can only see the bars in front of him (as he holds his stories tightly), and can’t see that by walking to the sides, he would be free.
The catch as she notes is that if we walk to freedom, we would need to take responsibility for our story (so much easier to blame our environment than ourselves). And if we take responsibility for our story, we would have to change. It is why being 100% Responsibility for our lives is a very important part of personal growth and change.
Change is Difficult
Change is difficult for several reasons. First, most of us want the other characters in our stories to change. We know this is not possible. Second, we prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar. We prefer our emotional jail cells to the unknown. So often after discreating the beliefs of my clients, I often hear the fear in their voices, now “I don’t know who I am.” And that again is a great opportunity. When you “unknow” yourself, you now have the ability to create whoever you need to be. You can create your future self. And that is the point. You need to let go of the story that you have been telling yourself, so you can actually live your life. And that is how you get around those bars.
How Do We Edit Our Story
However, it sounds easy. Ok, edit your story to give you more freedom and have the courage to change. And while we now have the reason why it is a good thing to change our story, we still don’t know HOW. How do we create those changes?
Well, we can listen to Bruce Lipton who also has a video called “How Changing Your Life Story Can Change Your Life” You Can Watch Dr. Lipton by clicking here.
Our Subconscious Runs Our Lives
Bruce Lipton mentions that 95% of our programs are being run by our subconscious mind. From the age up to age 7, we are in the same state of openness and our brains are taking in everything and our conscious mind is giving what we are seeing meaning—at the interpretation of a little child. These beliefs and adaptive behaviors then govern how to act in the world for the rest of our lives, unless we change them.
Dr. Lipton notes that there are three ways of changing them: 1) Hypnosis and 2) repetition 3) energy medicine (given in other lectures and websites) eg. RIM and EMDR etc. So at least we are now getting somewhere in how to change. So we can use willpower to install habits and change our behavior or hypnosis or energy medicine.
The issue is finding the beliefs that need to be changed because they are after all subconscious. However, he does provide an avenue. Dr. Lipton notes that the reason why we struggle is because of some limiting beliefs. Examine closely the areas in our lives that have difficulties and then we will be able to find the beliefs. And when we do that and when we find the beliefs, how do we discard the belief and install new beliefs.
Are Affirmations the Answer
Dr. Lipton does leave a clue by saying affirmations works. Do they really? I am rich, I am rich, I am rich—we all know if we say that 24/7 and do nothing else, we won’t become rich. And really, if you don’t believe the affirmation in the first place, or don’t believe the process works, then it won’t work.
So what’s the answer? What I have found that works amazingly well is to find the root (vs the branches) of your life story and life struggles. This is done by examining your core wounds/core beliefs and your adaptive behaviors. Examine the effects this has had on your life. Once you understand the effects and then describe what changes you want to make. Most often, you will want to discreate your core limiting beliefs and install new beliefs in each area of your life. You will also change your adaptive behaviors.
Below is an exercise I think will help you do this. I call it the Core Wound and Adaptive Behavior Exercise. It is an amalgam of what was thought to me by Lion Goodman in Clear Beliefs, Renee Jain in SuperPowered, and Sabine Buhlmann as my coach.
Core Wound and Adaptive Behavior Exercise
STEP 1: Find Your Core wound/Core belief
Think of your core wound or the core theme of struggle in your life?
Examples include: I am not enough, I never fit in, I'm lonely, I am stupid, I'm invisible, I'm bad, I'm not perfect, I'm not enough.
2. What was happening in your life when you first might have said this to your self?
This happened to me because I’m what __x___? I felt __y____when this happened.
3. People like me who are ___x or y___are what__Z____?
4. What does your family, culture or community judge or treat people who are ___x, y, Z___?
5. And this makes me ______?
Put together the worst amalgram of what this means about me. Eg. I am damaged because my head is squeezed by forceps and I am a failure (I couldn’t be birthed). Really feel this in your body when you say it. If it feels awful, terrible, horrible when you say it about yourself, then you are doing it right.
Step 2: Look at Your Adaptive Behaviors
(See Bamboo Growth Newsletter #29, #33 to #38 for more info)
In order to cover up your core wound or to react to being overwhelmed by being so bad, what did you do? What was your adaptive behavior?
For example, if you didn’t feel loved, did you become the good girl, the rebel, the sick one, the caretaker? If you feel that you were not enough, did you decide to prove people wrong by becoming an overachiever, or did you cover up and go inside? Did you camouflage yourself, did you become shy, outgoing, or perhaps a bully or narcissist?
Step 3: Examine Your Life in 3 Equal Periods
For example, if you are 45, divide it by 3 and create 3 periods of your life: Age: 0 to 15, Age: 16 to 30, Age: 31 to 45.
Write out your 3 successes and 3 failures for each time period.
Examine how your core wound/belief and adaptive behavior contributed to your success and failures
Examine how your core wound/belief and adaptive behavior affected your health/well-being, your relationships, and your work/finances during the course of your life.
What Conclusions Can You Make?
Based on Step 1 to 3, what have you concluded and observed?
Is your core wound/belief contributing to your life’s struggles and failures? Is your adaptive behavior something you want to keep or change?
What changes do you want to make in your beliefs and adaptive behaviors?